A warning to
all of you wishing for the white stuff!
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow.
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow-
plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the drive-
way, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l
don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December 14:
Snow lovely snow 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life.
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll cer-
tainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. Which I think
was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to
find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hoc-
key. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another ship-
ment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee'd and dressed again, I was
too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this orning. What is she, nuts?? Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been. Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
damn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The
idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow. Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going
to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy.
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
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