Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an
expert on every subject
in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are
always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you
are the most ATTRACTIVE
person in the Entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up
to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk
to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the
RICHEST person in the room. You
can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You
can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you
bet because you are RICH. You will also buy Drinks for everyone that you
fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with
anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because
you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits
or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being
INVINCIBLE, you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than
them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness.
At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can
see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin
to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost
not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate
on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a
minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects
of the bathroom mirror
first thing. You are horrified to discover that you have now become
even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you
bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much
that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still
too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got
dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is
now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened
to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you
might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you
would
remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought
any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR,
your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you
feel
liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately,
everyone can
spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and
that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to
bribe them and too UGLY to hide.