This guy is seriously ticked off with Optus!
This is an Actual Complaint Letter Received at Optus


Dear Cretins,

I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional perogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or,
more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile
phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... er, how
exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I alleviated the boredom to
some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested
it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...
these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back);
that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing
me that your office is closed);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought Telstra were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere,ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there
isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - wankers
though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy
puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus, and it's
worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.


Rgds


Adam Olsen
Terrigal

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