OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.
3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained
MONEY SPENT :
Oil Change $20.00
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OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter hand cleaner and a scented tree; write check for
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for $20.00,
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil
on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screw driver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among debris in the
trash can to avoid environmental fee. Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step.
20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to put a thin coat of oil to
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard --
along with drain plug.
28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly conceal
oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil.
31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of frame.
32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
33) Cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
38) Beer to stop pain....
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from
steps 23 to 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
48) Car towed and impounded.
49) Call loving wife; make bail.
50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT :
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!!
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