The First Affair
There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teen-age daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and,
delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified
to find the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could
be the father of the child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered," he cried. Then he
gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz,
he made an amazing discovery -
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz,"
said the mortician, "...but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has
to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his
scalpel to remove the dead man's
privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
The first person he showed was his
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening
his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "...Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "...stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over
him and then she dusted him with
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "...and just pretend
that you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue."
she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much that I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue,
not even later that night when they
went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he
said to the statue, "...eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths'
for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir," replies the bartender, "...and that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir," replies the bartender, "...but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly, "My darling Becky,"
he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." But
he was insistent.
"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "...I
have something which I must
confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's
all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend and your xyz..!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, ",,,that's why I poisoned you."
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