A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my
desk is next to the door, but that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and
his is working fine."
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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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Tech Support: "Okay Bob, let's
press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "Hell no, I'm not
going to pee on my keyboard! What kind of
pervert are you?"
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Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly, sir. We have got a large variety."
Customer: "I want the one compatible with my computer, it's a Mac!"
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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah......sure."
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Tech Support: "All right, now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate
Windows because of the icons. I'm a
Protestant, and we don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir.
Customer: "I don't care about
any 'Industry Terms', we don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't
you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet, is 'little picture' okay?"
Customer: [click]
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Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game any more."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, the computer didn't crash, my game crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game, that's what I said before.
Tech Support: "I beg your pardon."
Customer: My ship, you idiot! I crashed
my spaceship and now it
doesn't work. I wasn't paying attention and hit an asteroid head on!"
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then click 'New Game.'
Customer: [pause] "Wow! It worked! How'd you learn to do that?"
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Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any"
key is.
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AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
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Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets
and heat failed to diagnose the
problem,it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
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Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.
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A Dell technician advised his customer
to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on,
and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close
the door to his room.
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Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front
of
the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
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Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead.
"Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied.
When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought
you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
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Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking
the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
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A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
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An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
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Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat
there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when
she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
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1st Person: "Do you know anything about these fax-machines?"
2nd Person: "A little. what's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a
fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and
the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive
memo, and I didn't want anyone
else to read it. I folded it in half so only the recipient could open it
and read it."
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