George Carlin Strikes
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles
of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards."NAIVE"
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section
in a swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . Does that mean that one enjoys
5. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called
8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your
two cents in. . . What happens to the other penny?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?
17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.
22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP?
23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. . They're cramming for their
26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver
28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?
29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
34. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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