An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one
question final exam after a semester dealing with a
broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the
prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and
wrote on the board, "Using everything we
have learned this semester, prove that this chair does
Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled
in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages
in one hour attempting to refute the
existence of the chair. One member of the class
however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of
the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when
he had barely written anything at all. What did he
write, they asked. "What chair?"
IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back,
It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back,
it was never yours to begin with.
if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and doesn't appear to realize
that you had set it free.....
You either married it
or gave birth to it.
As paramedics, my partner and I were dispatched to
check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented.
We decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, I questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness.
Leaning close, I asked, "Sir, do you know what we're
doing right now?"
He slowly looked up at me, then gazed out the
ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50,
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in
Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is
enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long
term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"However there is one thing that is the most dangerous
of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,
Mrs. Brown is the church Matron, and she has become
very famous for the baked beans she makes for every
picnick or church potluck. The anual Mothers Day Pot
Luck Dinner was tomorow, and as usual Mrs. Brown set
about preparing her baked beans for the meal. She had
set everything to going on the stove, and was called
away to the door. Mrs. Brown's son Billy came running
into a freshly waxed kitchen, with his BB Gun in one
hand and a fist full of BB's in the other. He sliped
on the freshly waxed floor, and wouldn't you know it,
the BB's flew right into the pot of baking beans. Mrs.
Brown walked into the kitchen and scolded little billy
for running indoors, but not wanting to get into any
further trouble he said nothing about the BB's going
into the pot of simmering beans. The next day came,
and the Pot Luck was an enormous success. As uual,
Mrs. Browns beans were the favorites and were quickly
eaten all up. Not a single bean left in the pot.
The next morning Mrs. Brown recieves a phone call from
the church secretary. Mrs. Brown she says, um I loved
your beans as always, but did you purhaps add
anything, or change your recipe? Mrs. Brown replied
why No, it was the same recipe as I always prepare,
Why? The secretary says, Well, um I bent over to feed
my cat this morning, and I shot the Canary!
(Q) What's the best form of birth control after 50?
(Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend and a
(A) 45 lbs.
(Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
(A) 45 minutes.
(Q) How many women does it take to change a light
(A) None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement
home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock
I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to
urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but
The second old man says, "You think you have problems.
I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up
and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm
ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I
urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every
morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home,
see what's in the fridge
and go to bed.
Married women come home,
see what's in bed
and go to the fridge.
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find
out about something exciting and relate it to the
class the next day. The first little boy called upon, walked
up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat
back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
Well, I can see that." she said, "but what is so
exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this
morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart
attack, and my Mom fainted.
FOR ALL THE GIRLS!
When I was in my younger days,
I weighed a few pounds less,
I needn't hold my tummy in
to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older,
I've set my body free;
There's comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now,
But used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose
They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses
As the print was getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to gray
and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
Just the outside's changed a bit.
On a positive note...
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad
it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by
the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy
day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with
your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same
thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a
catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to
throw something back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an
open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have
to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did, but people will never
forget how you made them feel.
TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
14. Pass My Shotgun
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
And the number one thing PMS Stands for........
I'm not in the mood to play this shit anymore!!
Cards For The Not So Perfect Relationship.....
You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.
I know how to push all my wife's buttons ... now if I
could only find the one marked OFF!
I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never
believed in hell until I met you.
Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not here to ruin it for me.
They say that an attractive human body is worth a
million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly
When we were together, you always said you'd die for
me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you
kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for
my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're
A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and
led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the
sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy
thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more
than men, showed her a study which indicated that men
use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as
women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her
husband that women use twice as many words as men
because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an
idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we
have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go
out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three of them.
One out of every three Australians is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best
If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all
over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and
they tell you it's because they're such beautiful
animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
photographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my
suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there
were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like
an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the
distance, figuring just the right wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner absolutely nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner say, "Why are you
taking so long? Just hit the blasted Ball!!!"
The guy answers, "Look, my wife is up there watching
me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect
"Ah, forget it man, you're never gonna hit her from
Back to My Forwards